This week’s Misfit Entrepreneur is Lauren Zander. Lauren is the co-founder and Chairwoman of the Handel Group, an international corporate consulting and private coaching company based in New York City. She is also the author of the best-seller Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap, Face your Fear, Love Your Life – a no nonsense guide that teaches people to get what they want out of life.
Lauren has worked with everybody from Fortune 500 Companies like Citibank, Gap and Linked In, to Academy Award Winning Artists, Grammy Winning musicians, and her groundbreaking methodology, The Handel Method, is supported by top educators and psychologists and has been taught in over 35 major universities and institutions of higher learning throughout the country. If that’s not enough she also contributes to the New York Times, Harvard Business Review, Forbes, BBC, and many others.
But, our conversation today may make some of you uncomfortable, because Lauren has a message for you. That message is that you are lying. All of us lying. And she is going to tell us what we need to do about it.
Lauren is 49, happily married with 3 kids ranging from 16 to 10. She lives in the country in a 1790’s farmhouse. But, she has been out on her own as an executive/life coach since she was 28. It happened because she could not understand why no one was teaching the truth in education and talking about the truth in humanity – what we actually deal with. People were not focused on emotional intelligence or confronting the dark side of who we are, so she set out to do so.
You state that “everyone is a liar.” Explain that for us…
- Lying is when there is a thought in your head that you are saying to yourself and what comes out of your mouth is not the thought in your head.
- We lie from the most basic of hiding what we are thinking to making people happy, or not getting into trouble.
- There are 7 different types of ways that we lie.
- We keep secrets that are lies
- When we lie, it erodes the relationship to your own truth, ourselves and keeps us being true to ourselves in every conversation or interaction.
- Science shows that the average person lies 11 times per day.
- It’s everywhere and no one is facing it…
What are the 7 ways we lie?
- White lies. These are the most common to where we lie for social norms or to be polite, etc.
- Mis-representing information. We misrepresent facts, but don’t exactly lie, or at least justify it to ourselves that way. For example, maybe you read a chapter of a book and it comes up in discussion and you say, “Oh, I loved that book.” When you really didn’t read the whole thing.
- Exaggerating. Another form of social norms or attempting to make a story sound better than it was, etc.
- Under -exaggerating. Making things that are a bigger deal, seem like they aren’t or purposefully deflating their importance.
- With-holding information. This is a big one and is dangerous because they keep us from confronting things or creating larger problems in the future. For example, someone asks you how your day was and you say “Great…” when you actually had a terrible day.
- Real secrets. Things you go to the grave with. Typically, there is shame with these and they eat at you causing internal struggle.
- Purposeful lying. Knowing lying for personal gain, enrichment, or to avoid trouble.
How do people confront their propensity to lie and how do you manage the lie of being honest and it getting you into trouble?
- First, you must be aware to the fact that you lie and decide you will change the habit.
- Go through the 7 ways people lie and ask yourself, “How do I do these in my life?”
- If you agree that lying is bad for you. Bad for your life, health, relationships, business, etc., you have to understand how you do all those ways of lying so you can recognize them when you start to do them.
- The big issue is not “Are we doing this in our lives, but do you realize and understand how much better your life be if you stopped.”
- Lying is not a dirty, bad word – it is born into us. It is an innate human behavior as part of preservation.
- “Lying for humans is like breathing. We don’t face how we lie. If you don’t know how you lie and all the ways you lie, it means you don’t know your own inner dialogue. This causes us to leave a lot on the table – Self-Awareness, Deeper Intimacy, and a love of being honest that you will never know.”
- It is never the other person’s fault why you lie.
- We need to “human” better.
- There is an art of telling the truth that begins with confronting our internal selves.
Let’s talk about truth in the business world. How do people navigate being honest and balancing that with doing business in their lives?
- There are ways that you need to learn to talk to different types of people and be tactful, but it doesn’t defend lying or the willingness to lie.
- First choose which relationships in your life you feel are most important vs. those that are not or are not good.
- There is a way to be wonderful and tell the truth. It starts with reframing the question or the situation with an individual to make sure you are giving the best, honest answer to their needs. Find out what people really want to know.
- One of the easiest ways to stop lying is to stop making excuses and apologize. Don’t make things up to make people feel better and put yourself in a position where they are more important because you have to lie for them.
- You’ll be more respected for telling the truth in a world of liars and the truth is simpler anyway.
- When you decide to tell the truth, it begins to make you accountable for yourself and your life.
You work with some of top performers in their fields in the world. Are there any traits or consistencies you see across them that help them to succeed at high levels?
- They have very good family values.
- They have crazy, big visions
- Their visions care about making a big impact in the world while making money.
- They care deeply about being great in the world and for their world and for their family.
- Many of them are the outliers in their families.
- Many of them are from poor backgrounds and climbed out.
- They are brutally smart and are on a missions – many times since they were a child.
- They are driven, hungry, and don’t quit.
- They take their health seriously.
- They strive for best in class.
At the 40 min mark, Lauren tells us about the Handel Method…
It broken into 3 sections
- Section 1 is how to deal with you mind, excuses and how to chase your dreams.
- Section 2 is making a list of your parents traits positive and negative and how it lives in you. You then map it onto yourself.
- Section 3 is dealing with “haunting memories.” You have to confront what is haunting you in your life and understand it.
At the 46 min mark, Lauren talks about her latest concept, “Time Warps”
- We all think time is constant, so there is a notion that time is like gravity. But that is not true. Y
- our relationship to time is something that you should “make your bitch.”
- Time is a verb and interpersonal relationship.
Lauren says her method can be summed up in the following 3 movies:
- Groundhog Day
- Defending Your Life
- What the Bleep Do We know Anyway
Best Quote: “Lying for humans is like breathing. We don’t face how we lie. If you don’t know how you lie and all the ways you lie, it means you don’t know your own inner dialogue. This causes us to leave a lot on the table – Self-Awareness, Deeper Intimacy, and a love of being honest that we will never know.”
Lauren's Misfit 3:
- Don’t die with your lies and don’t let your loved ones die with theirs…
- Most people sell out on love and don’t do enough work to find true love in their lives. Do the work.
- Resolve everything with family. Do not die in disputes. Family is most important in life.